i gotta admit – it’s fucking blurry. i can’t see shit.
you know when you’re reading something online and then it just hits you: i’m not even really that good at the things i say i’m good at. i don’t even rate among the top 100,000 in the world in the things i think i’m good at. i’m so average at the things i’m good at, i might at well be not good at them at all. and then you say to yourself: ok, if i admit to myself that i’m shit at this thing i previously thought i was good at, it can’t hurt me and i can just go on with my life settling for what i clearly deserve.
and it’s mostly the truth. my strengths have always included: stringing together sentences (which, like, everyone can do, what the fuck) and knowing the name of that Actor’s Name who slipped your mind. the first thing, well. like i said, i am actually probably woefully average at writing. every one writes. if you write opinion pieces or anything that’s just Kinda-About-Life-In-General, there’s a limit to how good you can be, really. or at least, anyone can churn out 700 words on why they hate their life. and this isn’t revelatory to me, this news about being just Pretty OK, but sometimes you just got to wonder. when do i slide from being honest with myself to actually just fucking up my self-esteem and any potential future prospects that i would be proud at landing?
being honest with yourself is good – no one wants to be that guy who gets up on the X Factor stage genuinely believing they were the ed sheeran. but then, the mere concept of honesty has to be called into question, i guess. you’re stuck in your own mind 24/7; you can’t even escape it in your sleep. you’re bound to have a warped idea of who you are and what you’re capable of, and it’s pretty easy, even inevitable, for everything to get tangled up in there until it’s not honesty at all, but it’s really just you feeling sorry for yourself. and that’s the point that i just really can’t pick apart. i’m forever stuck in the middle of that hot mess, like a pendulum swinging between thinking i’m just being realistic and thinking i’m just being silly and self-hating.
there’s really no way to avoid it. you could always get an outside view, but people lie. people lie all the time. (i mean, how do you think that guy on X Factor got up there in the first place?) if you’re like me, you kind of just have to stumble through life, being vaguely confident in your own abilities but freaking out about it constantly in your spare time. like, it’s so easy to just sit there and tell yourself: “you aren’t good, and it is OK.” AND THAT WOULD BE OK! but what if i’m actually good??????
WHAT IF I’M ACTUALLY GOOD!!
(if you’re a life coach or motivational speaker, contact me.)